Christmas Kryptonite

Riding with my friend Joe for a weekly Thursday wing night (a tradition that has been going for over 15 years), he decided to drop a musical H-bomb on me. He put on the Regis Philbin Christmas CD that he recently bought.

You have to understand my close group of friends. We continuously try to top each other when it comes to finding trashy things, be it music, movies or TV shows. We knew about Ed Wood movies long before Tim Burton came along and did his great biopic. We've sat through Troma movies, Rudy Ray Moore flicks, listen to the Bonanza Christmas CD and derived hysterically laughter at Shatner's renditions of "Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds" and "Mr. Tambourine Man". Even in my CD collection, I have stuff by Shatner, Nimoy, and Fabio.

Anyways, Regis' Christmas CD is officially the worst thing I have heard in a long while, which say something considering I own both Jingle Dogs and Jingle Cats X-Mas CDs. It's so bad that I almost want to go out and buy it, but that would mean Regis will be getting money from me and I'm not sure if I like that. It might encourage him to think he has musical talent.

First of all, most of the songs feature chintzy renditions of Christmas standards like "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas", "Santa Claus is Coming to Town" and "Marshmallow World" complete with background singers and ol' Reege singing in a very flat tone. And then, in true Regis fashion, he goes "outta control!!". He starts "personalizing" the experience by singing with his wife Joy, making references to Gelman, and for some reason rambling off the line up of the New York Yankees like "Sheff" and "the Big Giambi".

But the real clincher is his version of "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" where he brings out Donald "the Trumpster" Trump to add spice to the proceedings. Of course the tune would not be complete until Trumpster tosses in his trademarked catchphrase "you're fired" somewhere.

Anyways, I sat there listening to this stuff completely stunned with my mouth agape. It was just dreadful. If Hell exists, this would be playing in continuous loop.

I wrote in a review years ago using the lesson "whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger", and that after listening to Jingle Cats and Jingle Dogs I was the mightiest mortal alive. Well it appears the Regis Christmas Album is my kryptonite.

And I hope someone buys it for me.